No one will give you too much grief for not wanting to provide your direct manager as a reference. Trust me... being a "turtle" hurts or helps me (you'd be surprised how much it helps sometimes) with networking. Some random human who liked or didn't like me rarely moves the needle, especially if you have a mega tough shell.
I've had people who despised me give incredible references or recommendations because they genuinely believed that me getting the job or client would benefit everyone. Additionally, if I'm not working for them or competing with them, I might become a customer down the road!
There are multiple scenarios where I had been in screaming matches to get a founder to listen to avoid them blowing millions of dollars on the client they tasked me with. If I screamed and it worked? Do you think he's going to say 'Misha yelled at me and made me fear for the lives of my children'? No--unless I am applying for a role in the mob (--uh I mean politics), then it's usually not needed.
I've also had people who liked me quite a bit who I would never ask for a reference. The well was poisoned a long time ago and everyone who worked around us knew that. If you think someone is a complete and utter cancer in your side, they may give you a 'risky' reference, even if they claim it will be positive. You never know what someone who feels burned will do in a professional situation, so in most cases, if you can't win the power struggle internally, accept that you lost and cut ties after it is over. I had a boss who knew that I was outright ANGRY and told her I felt betrayed. More or less I told my boss that I was gone regardless--either get rid of me or I'm transferring internally or I'll make turtles (ok that last part I didn't mention). Even if I did an incredible job for that person, would the reference be any different? What about from HER boss? Nope... especially for what I am planning to do and how little mutual respect we had for each other.
When in doubt, confirm what your reference will say but don't be afraid to push back and offer a more appropriate reference. I usually confirm what I'll say if it is a positive reference, but do I really want to risk some loudmouth manager discussing my 'flaws' while failing to acknowledge my ability to work independently? If that manager didn't actually manage me (e.g., she had the title but not the role), then I need to either give her a script, not use her, or find another route. I understand ego (myself included), so if am trying to get a job or client? I don't want my recommender talking about themselves--I want them talking about me.
Can we also discard the phrase 'I hope we cross paths again'? I highly recommend that anyone I warned keeps their distance. I'm not as friendly as before, and I won't hesitate to do whatever is necessary to protect myself.
TL;DR FAFO
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